I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize