I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
