Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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