Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
