i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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