it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
