i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
