worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
