yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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