Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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