I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
