Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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