pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
