Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
