don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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