at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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