meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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