no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
