i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
