I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
