I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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