meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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