Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
