Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
