I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
