So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
