He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
