I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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