just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
