dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
