The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
