I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
