i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
