i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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