you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
