you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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