This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
