The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
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My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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