The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
