Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
