The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
