I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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