i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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