nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
