I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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