it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
