dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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