I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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