Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
