Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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