I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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