You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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