Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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