I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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