i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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