At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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