Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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I feel like everything in this room is sweating
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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